A bit of humor

[George Graves <gmgraves@domain.elided>]

Haynes Alfa Romeo Repair Manual Translations

Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
.......................counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Forget it!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read the section through before 
you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of the Alfa's 
transaxel.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a large can of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly put my eye out. Where did 
it go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - you've got the glass part of the bulb off, now fetch 
a good pair of pliers
to dig out that pesky bayonet base.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build-up force till the veins in your
neck stand out like climbing ropes and your face is the color of tomato 
juice.
Then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be considered 'lightly' by ANY stretch of the imagination.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken now... it's about to be!

Haynes: 'One spanner' task difficulty rating.
Translation: Your Mother could do this... so how did you manage to screw
it up so royally?

Haynes: 'Two spanner' task difficulty rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Rome bus system (and in fact that would have been more
use to you).

Haynes: 'Three spanner' task difficulty rating.
Translation: Nah! This won't be hard. After all, there are two levels
of difficulty above this one, aren't there?

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation:  OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: Do you have the number for your Alfa mechanic handy?
You're gonna need it!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down upon, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage on your hands and knees while muttering all manner of
obscenities repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud, knowing voice to your wife "Yep, 
just as
I suspected, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself -badly!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know. Don't use your kids or you'll tarnish your 'Dad' image 
irreparably.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has
subsided, and you have recharged the Alfa's battery, you
can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly reinstall the spark
plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you curse in different places.

Haynes: Pry-away plastic locating tabs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have a paid-up AAA Card & cell phone handy!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: A propane torch and a gasoline engine do not make for the
best of combinations.....

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of everything in the book EXCEPT what you need to do!

George Graves
'86 GTV-6
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