Re: whirring in the morning, haunted??

["Jim Cash" <j.cash@xxxxxxxxxxxx>]

Mark asks


I've a 1997 528i (E39) which has recently begun whirring at me in the
morning. Car resides in the garage overnight. In the am it greets me
with
a whirring sound coming from the dashboard. Sounds just like the heater
blower motor set at a very low setting. Stops after 10 or so minutes of
driving. What the devil is it? Easy fix?

Mark,

Ignore all the other advice. You were right with your first guess - the
car is haunted. To fix this it
is necessary to excorise the vehicle. There are basically two ways:

1) Contact your local religio group and ask to speak to the BMW
specialist. Trouble is this COST $$$. 

2) But why bother when you can do it yourself quite easily. Here's how.

- - Wait for a full moon and the midnight hour (being careful "nothing
comes tumblin down").
- - Take your credit card and place it on the BMW badge at the front of
the car.
- - Go down on your knees and spread your arms wide, placing a hand on
each of the headlights. TWO 

CAUTIONS HERE;

  a) DO NOT mistakenly hold the high beams - it must the two outer
headlights otherwise you risk your 

car turning into an Audi A4
  b) Make sure the car is on a level surface, handbrake on, engine OFF,
in gear and wheelchocs in place.
 
Get an assistant (who must be female) to switch on the hazard lights.

At this point you may notice strange things happening, like that
wizrring sound you mentioned, may start 

up - ignore this, don't be put off, stay with it.

- - Slowly recite the number on your credit card (including expiry date)
over and over again. This can be 

difficult in the moonlight and those little digits are really difficult
to see - that's the reason the 

hazard flashers are on (that, and to add a little atmosphere).

- - When you can't stand it anymore, shout YOU COST TOO MUCH TO FIX -
WIRRING BEGON. (You can substitute 

any other words for BEGON - like **** OFF - or whatever you like
really).

Then, your assistant (whom you have previously instructed), is to pull
sharply on the bonnet/hood 

release lever. The credit card will fly up in the air and you catch it
in your teeth, THAT'S IT.

You shouldn't have any trouble after that.

Just a few closing remarks.

DO NOT try this in a public place or YOU make end up BEGON and the
wirring noise will own your car.
DO NOT participate in group sessions of this 
DO NOT blame me if it doesn't work or Richard for allowing it posted -
it's entirly at your own risk.

This proceedure is definitely NOT in the Haynes manual but Bentley *may*
have it - please check and let 

us know.

- -John

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