[alfa] Changing Oil correctly--little Alfa Content

["Ev Micou" <mdg36@xxxxxxx>]

Subject: Oil Change instructions.... 
Oil Change Instructions For Women:  
 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change. 
 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 
 3. 20 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle. 
 Money spent:  Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00 
 _________________________________________________________  
 Oil Change Instructions For Men:  
 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00. 
> > > 2. Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00,
drive home. 
> > > 3. Open a beer and drink it. 
> > > 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 
> > > 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 
> > > 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 
> > > 7. Place drain pan under engine. 
> > > 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 
> > > 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 
> > > 10. Unscrew drain plug. 
> > > 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss. 
> > > 12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
arms.Throw 
> > > kitty litter on spilled oil. 
> > > 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 
> > > 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 
> > > 15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off. 
> > > 16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil 
> > > everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in 
> > > trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 
> > > 17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil

> > > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 
> > > 18. Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan 
> > > full of old oil out from underneath car. 
> > > Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to
O'Reilly to recycle. 
> > > 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 
> > > 20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 
> > > 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 
> > > 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface. 
> > > 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 
> > > 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 
> > > 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 
> > > 26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard,along with drain plug. 
> > > 27. Drink beer. 
> > > 28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. 
> > > Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground 
> > > and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 
> > > 29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill. 
> > > 30. Drink beer. 
> > > 31. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oil
rag 
> > > used to clean drain plug. 
> > > Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame. 
> > > 32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 
> > > 33. Begin cussing fit. 
> > > 34. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 
> > > 35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
(1992) Calendar. 
> > > 36. Beer. 
> > > 37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow. 
> > > 38. Beer. 
> > > 39. Beer. 
> > > 40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 
> > > 41. Beer. 
> > > 42. Lower car from jack stands. 
> > > 43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 
> > > 44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23 - 43. 
> > > 45. Beer. 
> > > 46. Test drive car. 
> > > 47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 
> > > 48. Car gets impounded. 
> > > 49. Call loving wife, make bail. 
> > > 50. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. 
> > > 
> > > Money spent: 
> > > 
> > > Parts $50.00 
> > > DUI $2500.00 
> > > Impound fee $75.00 
> > > Bail $1500.00 
> > > Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 
 -- But you know the job was done right 

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