Automotive Philosophy (humor)

["Nick Koleszar" <nick@domain.elided>]

    A DIFFERENCE IN PHILOSOPHY

    Each carmaker on the planet has a different philosophy
    about How a Car Should Be Put Together. Let's take a
    single case...

    Let us say there is a single hypothetical panel in a
    hypothetical car. As a baseline, a totally unbiased
    (and therefore, Martian) engineer examines this cover
    and determines that it should be held in  place with
    five phillips-head (crosshead) screws.

    JAPAN: The japanese would hold it down with exactly
    five 5" screws. Boring, reliable, soulless, exactly
    what is needed.

    UNITED STATES: For a long time, a US car's panel would
    be held on with three screws. This has changed, and now
    not only does it have five screws, all floor workers
    must have a communal decision as to how many screws it
    needs, and have the ability to stop the line entirely
    should a single screw be a funny color.

    GREAT BRITIAN: As with the US, previously this car's
    panel would be held on with three screws. Additionally,
    these screws would be flat-head style and made of
    Britishinium Metal, a mysterious alloy  that can rust
    sitting under six inches of oil. Nowadays all the car
    companies have been sold to the US or Germany, so see
    those entries.

    FRANCE: Only Americans would be so obnoxious as to
    think how a panel is held on is important. Unions and
    employee pride are of far more concern. Please come
    with us to strike for ten more weeks paid vacation.

    GERMANY: Every panel on every car is held on with
    precisely ten aircraft-grade titanium/tungsten alloy
    nuts and bolts torqued to precisely 15.402 Newton-Meters.
    Replacements are sold only in sets of 20, and
    typically cost $350US. A German mechanic will explain
    to you, in graphic detail, exactly what would happen
    should you use a "lower quality" nut or bolt.

    RUSSIA: Owing to parts shortages, each panel is welded
    in place. A cutter costs 8,000,000,000,000,000 rubles
    (about $12.15 US), and the official wait is approx-
    imately 28 months. However, a stranger named "Igor"
    will sell you a cutter right away for $40 US (cash
    only). You notice PROPERTY OF SOVIET ARMY scratched
    out on the side.

    ITALY (Goes Fast approach): The Italian is somewhat
    different. If the panel has something to do with
    making the car Go Fast, it will be just like Germany's
    entry, with the addition that every bolt head will have
    a beautiful logo cast into it.

    ITALY (Everything Else): The Italian panel has no
    screws at all. Rather, it is held in with a very clever
    arrangement of grommets, snap rings, and C-clips so that
    it seems to be Part of the Car. However, due to lack of
    testing, the rubber in the grommets rots in a few years,
    and since the panel can only be removed with special tool
    001.2399943.011034444.2.1.1, the rubber is hardly ever
    replaced and so tends to rattle. Enthusiasts of this car
    will have endless debates on the value of this panel,
    some will remove it, some will maintain it religiously,
    and at least one author will write a book telling you
    how to make a tool that will work out of a '73 GMC lug
    wrench.

    SWEDEN: The panel in a Swedish car is held on with 25
    screws. Curiously, one has to put the car in reverse in
    order to remove it.

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