Alfas on Mars (LONG, SILLY, AND ALL CAPS)

[Jimbo MGA <JimboMGA@aol.com>]

Well, I've got nothing else to do today, so I'll transcribe this piece of Alfa
fiction I found in a September 1953 issue of a magazine called "Auto
Sportsman".

INTERPLANETARY SERVICE    MARS_EARTH FULL RATE
EARTHSTA_WHEM ::-:::
AUTSPO MAG :-:: CALUSA -- 9/12/2175 2230 HOUR

DEAR DICK,
   SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY IN GETTING THIS DISPATCH TO YOU, BUT SUNSPOTS ARE
REALLY CLOBBERING RADIO COMMUNICATIONS UP HERE, AND YOU REMEMBER WARNING ME
ABOUT SPENDING THE MAGAZINE'S MONEY ON LONG MESSAGES THROUGH THE SATELLITE
TRANSSENDERS. I HOPE THAT BY THE TIME THIS REACHES YOU VIA THE REGULAR MAIL
ROCKET, IT WON'T BE COLD NEWS.
   IN MY LAST I REPORTED HOW THE NEW ALFA-MARTIOS RAN AWAY FROM THE FIELD IN
THE III MARTIAN SPORTS CAR GRAND PRIX. NOW, AT LAST, I CAN GIVE YOU SOME
INFORMATION ON THE NEW "DISCHI VOLANTI" THAT DID THE TRICK.
   REFRESHING YOUR MEMORY, YOU RECALL HOW THE CIRCUIT UP HERE RUNS THROUGH THE
CENTER OF CANALOPOLIS, DOWN THROUGH THE BRADBURY HILLS AND SOUTH ALONG THE
GRAND CANAL, THEN OUT INTO SYRTIS MAJOR FOR ABOUT TWO HUNDRED MILES TO THE
METEOR CRATER CAROUSEL AND BACK NORTH THROUGH THE LICHEN FIELDS PAST THE
ROCKET PORT BEFORE HITTING THE CANAL AGAIN AND BACK INTO CANALOPOLIS WHERE THE
PITS TAKE UP MOST OF WILLY LEY BOULEVARD.
   THE WHOLE COURSE IS IN MUCH BETTER CONDITION NOW THAN WHEN YOU WERE HERE.
IT HAS BEEN COATED WITH HCF PLASTIC AND IS A FULL 40 FEET WIDE EVERYWHERE
EXCEPT AT THE CRATER CAROUSEL, WHERE IT NARROWS TO ABOUT 30 FEET.
   WHEN THE ALFA PEOPLE OPENED UP THEIR MARS PLANT, THEY ALREADY HAD THE SUPER
SPRINT ON THE DRAWING BOARDS, BUT IT WAS USELESS TO ACTUALLY BUILD THE CAR
UNTIL THERE WAS AT LEAST ONE REALLY HIGH-SPEED CIRCUIT ON MARS. NOW THAT THERE
IS, THEY ARE BUILDING THEM AS FAST AS THE ROBOT TEAMS CAN TURN THEM OUT.
   I'M SORRY THAT MY SKETCHES AREN'T BETTER, BUT I'M NO ARTIST. WHEN I TRIED
TO TAKE A CAMERA INTO THE ALFA-MARTIO FACTORY, I ALMOST ENDED UP IN THE
HOSPITAL. A GUARD ROBOT TRIED TO BEAT MY BRAINS OUT WITH MY OWN OXYGEN
RESPIRATOR. SO YOU WILL HAVE TO TURN THE ART DEPARTMENT LOOSE ON MY STUFF AND
SEE IF YOU CAN'T DEVELOP THESE DRAWINGS INTO SOMETHING THE READERS CAN
APPRECIATE.
   THE NEW CAR FOLLOWS THE TRADITIONAL ALFA "DISCHO" STYLING, WITH KNIFE-EDGES
AND SMOOTHLY CONVEX UPPER AND LOWER SURFACES. FRAMELESS CONSTRUCTION HAS BEEN
ABANDONED FOR A VERY LIGHT MULTI-TUBE CHASSIS. THE MATERIAL IS THE NEW
MAGNESIUM-STEEL ALLOY DEVELOPED BY ING. DR. IGNACIO BELLINO OF ALFA-MARTIO.
THE TUBES ARE OF UNIFORM 3/4-IN. DIAMETER AND THE WHOLE STRUCTURE IS MUCH
STRONGER THAN THE OLD STYLE HEAVY CHROME-MOLY FRAMES STILL BEING USED AT HOME.
CHASSIS WEIGHT IS SOMETHING UNDER TWELVE POUNDS EARTH-NORMAL. IN FACT, THE
ENTIRE CAR WEIGHS 830 POUNDS WET, REMINDING ME OF THE STORIES WE USED TO HEAR
IN THE FIFTIES ABOUT THE MILES MG... REMEMBER?
   THE RUNNING GEAR AND SUSPENSION ARE STRICTLY CONVENTIONAL: PLASTIC CORD AND
MAGNESIUM TRAILING LINKS. BRAKES ARE DISC-TYPE AND ARE CARRIED INBOARD ON ALL
FOUR WHEELS, LIKE THE VINTAGE 1953 LANCIAS. THE DRUMS ARE RADIAL FINNED
MAGNESIUM CASTINGS WITH A TOTAL LINING AREA OF 500 SQUARE INCHES. THE TRAILING
EDGE OF THE BUTTERFLY-TYPE STABILIZER IS LINKED TO THE BRAKE-SERVOS AND TURNS
PERPENDICULAR TO THE AIRSTREAM WHEN THE STOP PEDAL IS DEPRESSED. AIR IS VENTED
TO THE BRAKE DRUMS THROUGH THE CENTER SCOOP.
   THE WHEELS ARE MAGNESIUM ALLOY ON A LIGHT STEEL CENTER SECTION AND ARE
PERFECTLY SMOOTH TO REDUCE TURBULENCE IN THE WHEEL WELLS AT SPEEDS OVER 150.
THE HUBS ARE THE NORMAL TAPERED SHAFT OF STEEL. WHEEL MOUNTING IS CONVENTIONAL
IN THAT THE WHEELS ARE HELD TO THE HUBS BY MAGNETISM. IT'S TRUE THAT THIS TYPE
OF ELECTROMAGNETIC MOUNTING IS THE MOST QUICKLY DETACHABLE-A FLICK OF A SWITCH
AND THE WHEEL CAN BE SLIPPED OFF THE HUB-BUT I CAN'T HELP YEARNING FOR THE OLD
DAYS OF THE WIRE-SPOKED WHEEL AND THE SPLINED HUB WITH LOCK NUTS. AGE IS
CREEPING UP ON ME, I GUESS.
   THE BODY IS UNUSUAL IN THAT ALFA SEEMS TO HAVE ABANDONED THE FIBERGLASS
PLASTIC SHELL FOR SEAMLESS MAGNESIUM AND MAGNETIC GRIPS. I ASKED BELLINI WHY
THIS HAD BEEN DONE AND HE CLAIMS THAT THE LAMINATED PLASTIC BODIES NEED TOO
MUCH INTERNAL SUPPORT AT SPEEDS OVER 250.
   THE ALFA-MARTIO PEOPLE ALL THINK GLUCK'S RATHER NASTY ACCIDENT LAST YEAR IN
THE STODDARDVILLE CRITERIUM WAS CAUSED BY AIR PRESSURE CAUSING THE CAR'S SHAPE
TO CHANGE AND DEVELOP LIFT. EYE WITNESSES CLAIM HE FLEW A MILE AND A QUARTER
BEFORE HITTING THE SAND OF SOLIS LACUS-AND TO FLY THAT FAR IN MARS' THIN AIR
IS REALLY SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. HIS SPEED AT THE TIME WAS ESTIMATED AT
CLOSE TO 300, BUT OF COURSE NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW FOR SURE... POOR GLUCK.
   SO THE ONLY PLASTIC ON THE SUPER SPRINT'S SURFACE IS THE COCKPIT COVER. IT
IS HINGED AT THE FRONT AND FASTENED AT THE REAR BY THE UNUSUAL MAGNETIC GRIPS.
   THE POWERPLANT OF THE SUPER IS A NEW LITHIUM-HYDRIDE FUSION PILE AND
TURBINE DEVELOPED BY ALFA'S REACTION ENGINE DEPARTMENT. THEY REALLY PULLED A
SNEAKER WITH THIS ONE AND THE FERRARI-STELLARI AND GM PEOPLE ALL SEEM TO THINK
ALFA-MARTIO HAD ADVANCE INFORMATION ON "FEDERATION AUTOMOBILE DU PLANETE'S"
BAN ON ROCKET MOTORS FOR SPORTS CAR RACING. BE THAT AS IT MAY, THIS NEW TURBO-
DRIVE IS A BEAUTY. THE WHOLE DEAL, SHIELDING AND ALL WEIGHS UNDER 10 POUNDS
EARTH NORMAL. THE POWER CAPSULE IS .0006 GRAMS OF LITHIUM HYDRIDE.
   THE CIRCULATING FLUID (ON EARTH IT WOULD BE WATER, BUT UP HERE WATER IS
REALLY SCARCE, IT'S MERCURY) IS HEATED IN THE PILE AND JETTED TO THE TURBINE
AT 4000 PSI. A SCAVENGING PUMP THEN PICKS IT UP AND RECIRCULATES IT THROUGH
THE PILE. THERE IS NO FUEL PROBLEM, SINCE THE POWER CAPSULES LAST LONGER THAN
THE CAR BY ABOUT 1000 YEARS. ALL BEARINGS IN THE ENGINE-AND IN FACT THROUGHOUT
THE CAR-ARE HARD STEEL COATED WITH MOLYBDENUM, SO THEY CAN BE SEALED AT THE
FACTORY AND NEVER REQUIRE LUBRICATION OF ANY SORT.
   THE ENGINE UNIT IS DEACTIVATED QUITE SIMPLY BY A KEY OPERATING A SERVO-
MOTOR WHICH IN TURN DAMPS THE PILE BY THE INSERTION OF CADMIUM RODS. A
LIFETIME BATTERY WEIGHING 10 OUNCES POWERS THE SERVOS.
   THE ENGINE TURBINE TURNS AT BETTER THAN 50,000 RPM AND HORSEPOWER TO THE
ROAD WHEELS IS IN EXCESS OF 1000. HOW MUCH IN EXCESS, NO ONE AT ALFA WANTS TO
SAY, BUT I GET THE IMPRESSION IT IS PLENTY. OF COURSE THIS MUCH POWER REQUIRES
FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE. TRACTION, A REAL PROBLEM UP HERE WHERE GRAVITY IS ONLY .38
EARTH, IS OBTAINED FROM THE PLASTIC TIRES. THESE ARE BONDED TO THE MAG WHEELS
AND ARE THE SAME HIGH CO-EFFICIENT OF FRICTION STUFF USED ON THE ROAD
SURFACES.
   I TOOK A RIDE YESTERDAY WITH MAROQUE, THE NUMBER ONE BOY OF THE FACTORY
TEAM. HE WAS BORN UP HERE AND HAS NEVER BEEN TO EARTH, THOUGH HE IS MOST
ANXIOUS TO COMPETE ON THE HOME PLANET. THE LAD IS REALLY MAGNIFICENT BEHIND
THE WHEEL. TO THINK WE USED TO IMAGINE WE COULD DRIVE! ZERO TO 300 IN 26
SECONDS. MY G-SUIT ALMOST BEAT ME BLACK AND BLUE. WHEN THE SPEEDOMETER HIT
375, I BLACKED OUT FROM FRIGHT, NOT G'S.
   I GET THE WORD FROM MAROQUE THAT THE ALFA-MARTIO GROUP IS PLANNING A RECORD
CAR. THEY WANT TO BEAT SKIVINGTON'S BENNEVILLE RECORD OF MACH. .83 IN THE
SHRIMP BOAT IX. I THINK THEY CAN SWING IT, TOO. THEY ARE BUILDING REAL CARS UP
HERE-NOT LIKE THE BLOATED, CHROME BEDECKED MONSTROSITIES COMING OUT OF DETROIT
AND COVENTRY AND TORINO, LADDY. WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL OUR DOMESTIC MANUFACTURERS
WISE UP? WE USED TO BUILD SPORTS CARS WAY BACK WHEN.
   SO THAT, MR. EDITOR IS THE STORY ON THE AM SUPER SPRINT. DON'T BOTHER TO
ORDER ONE. THEY ARE NOT FOR EXPORT. STICK TO YOUR VINTAGE PORSCHE, DICK, AND
DREAM OF THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
BEST REGARDS,
AL
AL COPPEL_CANALOPOLIS: TRANS
AG32:4 SYRTIS-YA-MARSMARS
TRANS# MSY43:-67 ADM2175 SMITHCHEC

That just gets funnier every time I read it. It is printed in the mag in all
caps. I know that upsets many Internet folk, but whatever. Hope you all get
some laughs outta this.
POOR GLUCK.
see ya,
JimboMGA@aol.com
1984 GTV6 (graunch)
1969 912 (44/56)